Republicans are all about the nanny state. Tracking periods, banning books, deciding who gets to have what medications/medical treatments (instead of doctors), trying to control what websites publish, etc.

Mayor: [shoots some black guy] “What? It’s the same as the cops.”

Software Patent Attorney

It’s really hard to time it just right but the theme to Jeopardy 👍

Get it wrong and it’ll really surprise you!

The tortoise Doctor comes to visit from time to time.

Giant Sulcata Tortoise. Rescued from a highway in northern Florida. We adopter her at the (desperate) request of animal control.

The vet guessed she’s around 20 years old. She weighs about 100lbs right now (was only 85 when we took her in).

This is heaven for my tortoise. She loves pumpkins and we tell everyone in the neighborhood to bring all their old Halloween pumpkins to our place after they’re done with them.

Carved pumpkin getting a little wilty? She doesn’t care. Munch munch munch! Delicious.

Hmm… This dude is so nasty he probably sucks his own shit through a straw every day in order to maintain the high degree of excrement that he regularly and publicly vomits from his mouth. What could make this guy so ashamed that he’s going to drop out of the race? What would upset his base that much that it would amount to a serious betrayal of their ideals?

Donating to a liberal cause?

Housing poor people/illegal immigrants?

He went to some socialist country for healthcare?

He’s secretly trans and got an abortion before transitioning?

I’ve used this term before in a different context: It’s what happens when someone is about to do something that both scares and excites them at the same time. Like when a person suddenly finds themselves extremely attracted to someone and they want to make a good impression. That’s when their brain seems to be both there and not there at the same time.

When observing someone in this sort of situation you quickly come to the conclusion that the brain has gone but then later–upon reflection–it may seem like it may have actually been present. The only way to know for sure is to find out how the events eventually concluded; opening the box as it were.

That’s when you find out whether or not the person was a pussy.

Use a robot to secretly paint “Kamala” on his lawn. For bonus points use AI to generate an image of him kissing Kamala and use that as the image (wonder what kind of resolution one can get on a lawn? 🤔)

Two of our (gay couple) neighbors said something similar to me a while back: They’re too afraid to put up a sign or flag.

My house doesn’t have any LGBTQ people living in it but we have a HUGE fucking LGBTQ flag right across from the American flag. It’s been such a blessing too! Now the most annoying of my neighbors don’t try to smalltalk with me anymore about their absolutely batshit insane conspiracy theories 👍

Just your average dead whale beheading to bring home the trophy. Nothing special!

Conservatives: This is how the zombie apocalypse starts… With one person refusing to let medical professionals know about their problem.

I’d use a very real scenario of immigrants and “merely visiting” foreigners who get sick spreading any given disease (e.g. How do you think we ended up with Zika in Florida?) but I know conservatives aren’t interested in reality. Even JD Vance knows that in order to get conservatives attention you need to promote fiction.

The correct response is for thousands of people to respond on Xitter with, “And no one is even trying to assassinate Musk 🤔”

Mechanical Keyboard Community:

“I need to see these $233 switches!” (Drools)

Don’t ever change, Catholic Church. More and more people are starting to catch on. In 100 years there might not be a Catholic Church anymore and the world will be better for it.

This headline could’ve appeared every month for the past 2000 years. It’s just that only in modern times are priests and pastors facing actual consequences.

Clearly the company wants the employees to bring their sick children into the office. Bring the sniffling, sneezing, coughing, wipe-their-snot-on-everything child right into the boss’s office and proudly proclaim your support of the sick leave policy!

“Give my boss a hug, sweetheart!”

I’m glad you left out, “thoughts” because we all know that was never a factor in this.

He’s trying to counter witchcraft with whiney bitchcraft.

Lying liar lies about his stock liquidation plans.

Everyone that still holds stock after Trump is allowed to sell is a sucker. A sucker that absolutely will deserve those losses. It’d be like investing in Bernie Madoff at this point… After he’s proven to the world that he’s a fraud a thousand times over, people are still throwing money at Trump’s bullshit.

Future news: “I invested almost all my savings into this!”

Who could’ve known he was lying about selling it all as fast as he could‽

Everyone with half a brain, that’s who.